Comments are closed

Are Men Really Afraid of Commitment?

Lets do it tomorrow!

There have been many articles and books written alluding to the belief that men are afraid of commitment. Very often when a man does not propose marriage to a long-time girlfriend he is labeled as being “afraid” to commit. This is also often stated when a man breaks up with a woman without a “good reason”.

Wedding statistics

According to a report from every year 2.3 million weddings take place in the United States. That breaks down to nearly 6,200 weddings per day. It is probably safe to assume that the lion share of these weddings take place after a (man) has proposed. That’s a lot of brave souls!

In 2011 Wild River Review published an article “Divorced men remarry quicker than divorced women”.

At ages 45 plus about one third of men remarry compared to twenty-five percent of women. There is speculation that once a man has been married he sees benefits while the divorced woman is more likely to feel disillusioned about marriage and welcomes her newfound freedom.

Last but not least the U.S.Census Bureau of statistics indicated in 2008 (there were only 16% of men who were between the ages of 40 and 44 who had never been married). Certainly there are some gay men in that sixteen percent. The overriding evidence is clear that the vast majority of men do get married at some point in time. This puts a hole in the fear of commitment theory.

Toys & Timing

If the vast majority of men do get married then timing would appear to be one reason why a man does not propose.

In our society parents begin early “gender indoctrination” in how they raise their children including the toys they give them to play with. It’s not uncommon for a little girl to be given baby dolls to dress up, comb their hair, change diapers and push them in strollers. Some girls are given toy vacuum cleaners, Easy-Bake Ovens, tea sets, Ken & Barbie “Playhouse”, and a “princess dress” which is subconsciously symbolic of a wedding dress. As they get older and attend a wedding or two they witness everyone stands up when “the bride” enters the room. The groom is little more than a prop!

Boys on the other hand are given the following toys: remote control cars/planes/boats, water pistols, boxing robots, race car sets, anything that makes noises and flashes colored lights, and video games to compete with their friends. Boys don’t pretend to be husbands and fathers during their childhood. They don’t dream about being Prince Charming and living “happily ever after” with their princess.

By the time most girls are age 12 they have been practicing to be mothers and wives for years! Is it any wonder that women tend to want to get married at an earlier age than most men?

After college the typical guy is looking to enjoy his freedom. Pursue a career path, date, travel, and party with friends. Young men are in no rush to become their parents. A woman in her early twenties who wants to get married may be better off dating a man who is in his early 30s and has never been married. This is about the time most guys start giving marriage a thought. Timing is very important.

You Are Not the One

This one may sting a little bit but sometimes a man does not propose because he does not feel the woman he is with is “the one”. In other words she is Ms. Right Now and not Ms. Right. He may be completely unaware of this fact himself.

Most men don’t date or enter into relationships looking for a wife. They meet a woman they click with, have great times with, and settle into a world of contentment. There is no diabolical plan to use up a woman’s time or her youth. It has nothing to do with buying cows or getting milk for free. Time flies when you’re having fun. It’s more of a situation where if everyone is happy why risk messing things up. Oftentimes it is when a woman gives a man an ultimatum that he begins to do some introspective thinking. This is when he may reach the conclusion that (she) is not the one.

It is not unheard of for a man to date a woman for several years only to break up and get married to the next woman he dates after knowing her for a year or less. Most likely this new woman did not give him any ultimatums or use any magic potions. His heart chose her. He felt she was “the one”.

Final thoughts

If someone says, “I love you but I’m not in love with you.” It means, “I really enjoy being with you but you are not the one!”

If you ever find yourself wanting to marry someone who has no interest in getting married ask yourself, “Why do I want to marry someone who does not want to marry me?” Soul mates have a mutual love and desire for one another. In order for him or her to be “the one” they would have to see you as being “the one”.

Every marriage will have its share of challenges but at the very least it should start off with both people wanting to get married! There is no amount of “communication” or “work” that can overcome being with someone who does not want what you want.

If someone does not give you what you want it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with them. It just means they are wrong for you.

Written by

Kevin Darné is the author of My Cat Won't Bark! (A Relationship Epiphany). The book is about learning how to approach relationships with complete awareness, having realistic expectations, and using self-empowerment techniques. Kevin is also a Chicago Dating Advice Examiner for where he publishes articles offering advice in the tricky world of dating. In addition he is also a Continuing Education Instructor for School District 211 located in the NW Suburbs of Chicago where he teaches classes on "How to Find and Choose Your Ideal Mate" and "Avoid the Catfish! How to Date Online Successfully! Kevin is a frequent guest of radio and TV talk shows. You may follow Kevin on Twitter. @kdarnelovealert

Comments are closed.