Breakups: Getting Over “The Fade-away Breakup…”

Your Silence Speaks Volumes….

Whenever there is a discussion regarding the methods of breakups utilized it is usually done so from the perspective of the person who was dumped.

There is talk about the “wrong way” or “worse way” to end a relationship.

Methods often brought up in this category include violent temper exchanges, dinner in a public place, email, text, voice mail, Facebook status change, word of mouth through a friend or acquaintance.

Timing is another issue that is often brought up such as being told it’s over on a “special day” such as your birthday, Valentines Day, Christmas, New Year’s Eve, anniversary, or right after something else awful has occurred in your life.

The method that’s getting a lot of attention lately is the “Fade-way breakup”.

Essentially the person you have been involved with quietly disappears. Suddenly you can’t reach them and they make no attempt to reach you. There were no arguments or complaints raised. No breakup emails, no voice mails, or text messages sent. They just suddenly vanished.

Keep in mind both men and women get dumped by all of the same methods previously described. However it is rare that a man calls a woman a coward in any breakup scenario.

A “coward” is generally defined as a person who lacks courage in facing danger, difficulty, opposition, pain, etc Breakups are often unpredictable.

Anyone who has been killed, shot at, stabbed, stalked or harassed probably never envisioned her or his breakup turning into a violent tension filled nightmare.

By calling our ex a coward we are in some ways vindicating their breakup approach. In other words we are saying they would have faced a “confrontation” with us in person.


One reason people have a difficult time with the “fade-away” breakup is the complete absence of “closure”. It’s human nature to ask “Why?” when something bad happens in our life. Some of us would like the opportunity to refute the reasons being given in hopes of changing the mind of the person who has decided to let us go.

Others of us believe we can use their “feedback” to improve ourselves for future relationships. Neither scenario holds much water. Closure is overrated!

Even if you were allowed to explain or put up a case for why the relationship should not be over in the mind of your soon to be ex most likely the scene would end up turning into an argument, bitching/crying session, or worse begging and pleading session.

As for taking a lesson from the feedback of your ex you have to keep in mind that the very reason why he/she is ending their relationship with you could be the same reason why the next person will fall madly in love with you!

It makes little sense to reinvent yourself to be perfect for your ex.

Ultimately we are all looking for someone who will accept, love, and appreciate us for who we are.

Cold Hard Facts

Breakups are at the discretion and convenience of the person dissolving the relationship!

It’s not about what seems fair to you, finding a way to let you down easy, or what day works best for you. It’s not about you. It’s about them.

The “right way” is whatever “their way” is. The person ending the relationship does so at their comfort level.

Lets face it getting dumped is never fun.

It is an “ego crusher” to the nth degree! Essentially someone is telling you that they can do better or be happier without you in their life.

Whether you’re being let go by a company or by a mate you have no say in “how it goes down”. Ultimately your only choice in the matter is to accept that your time together is over and move on.

Some folks emit arrogance with their belief that they have a right to “tell someone how and when to end a relationship with them”. The only decisions you can make are your own.

Anger is the mask that hurt wears

It’s natural to be upset when a relationship of any kind comes to an end especially if you’d like it to continue.

However by the same token you really don’t want to be with someone who does not want to be with you. You deserve better than that!

Regardless of whatever manner your relationship comes to an end, “There is nothing your ex can say that will make you feel better about having your heart broken.”

Grieve among your friends and re-establish your self-esteem but find a way to let go of the anger because it will only hold you back from finding your true Mr./Ms. Right.

“Some people think that it’s holding on that makes one strong; sometimes it’s letting go.” — unknown

“I don’t miss him, I miss who I thought he was.” – unknown

Written by

Kevin Darné is the author of My Cat Won't Bark! (A Relationship Epiphany). The book is about learning how to approach relationships with complete awareness, having realistic expectations, and using self-empowerment techniques. Kevin is also a Chicago Dating Advice Examiner for where he publishes articles offering advice in the tricky world of dating. In addition he is also a Continuing Education Instructor for School District 211 located in the NW Suburbs of Chicago where he teaches classes on "How to Find and Choose Your Ideal Mate" and "Avoid the Catfish! How to Date Online Successfully! Kevin is a frequent guest of radio and TV talk shows. You may follow Kevin on Twitter. @kdarnelovealert

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