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Dating 101: What traits do men look for in women before asking them out?

The first thing you need to keep in mind is not all men are seeking the same traits in a woman. For every type of woman there is, there is a man who is into that type. The best advice is to be yourself!

Having said that there are four (basic) traits that just about every man looks for in a woman.

Physical Attractiveness

Beauty is in the beholder. If a man is not attracted to a woman odds are he won’t be asking her out. Style is personal. Don’t take offense if every man is not attracted to you but keep in mind if you want something different you may have to do something different. It’s completely up to you!

Easy Going Personality

A woman who converses easily on a variety of subjects without requiring some (magical key words) to get her to open up is seen as friendly. She is attentive to what he is saying and offers her opinion which shows she’s an “active listener”. Dating is a social activity. It pays to be “sociable”.

Great Sense of Humor

She laughs easily as well as makes funny quips and observations. She’s fun or enjoyable to be with. An upbeat positive attitude is a magnet for people in general. You don’t have to be a stand-up comedian but by the same token you don’t want to come off as a “Debbie downer”.

Comfortable Flirting & Using Sexual Innuendo

A woman who is attracted to a man and knows how to let him know in subtle ways is a real turn on. Men want to (feel desired) too! Flirting has become a lost art form. Sex appeal is a combination of appearance, style, and charm. It’s the “x-factor” that sometimes pushes an average looking person ahead of some conventional beauties and leaves many wondering why or how they got together. Confidence is the key ingredient required to flirt and use sexual innuendo without appearing foolish.

The preceding traits mentioned are all key traits men look for in women before deciding to ask them out. However there are other factors that may repel men which primarily involve a woman’s attitude towards dating and men in general.

Using the Right Bait

A common mistake a lot of women make is thinking they can (tell) men what they (should) be “looking for” or desire in women. That’s like setting a mouse trap with garlic instead of cheese because (you) believe it is healthier. It doesn’t work that way. You don’t get to tell the prey what to like!

I’ve had female clients lead off discussions about dating issues with such things as “I have a master’s degree, I earn over six figures, I own my own home, I drive a Mercedes, and I take two to three vacations every year.” I tell them: “All that is great if you’re looking for a woman!”

You have to use the “right bait” whenever you go hunting. There’s a reason why duck hunters don’t go around saying moo, moo, moo.

Most men would rather ask out a cocktail waitress they are attracted to who has the traits mentioned earlier than go out with a woman simply because she is an attorney, doctor, or whatever. The majority of men are not looking for “security”. Bottom line if a woman is not attractive and likeable in a man’s eyes nothing else matters! A man wants to be around a woman he enjoys spending time with. All the other things like her (education, occupation, income, hobbies, and accomplishments) are “icing” on the cake. The sooner one learns to accept “gender differences” the better off they are in the dating world.

Knowing how someone thinks, their likes and dislikes, needs, and desires give you an advantage. The best hunters study a creature’s habits in order to attract him.

Rejection is Reality

It’s important to understand that not every man you desire is going to desire you. No one gets everything or everyone they want. Fortunately for most women the rejection they will encounter is “indirect rejection”. Women for the most part reject men by saying (no) to their suggestions or proposals for dates or whatever. This is “direct rejection”.

By contrast men tend to reject women by (not) pursuing them. If two women are sitting together at a table in a nightclub and a man asks one of them to dance he (chose) one over the other. The one he did not ask has experienced “indirect rejection”. Most men will tell you “indirect rejection” is far less painful. However if you have your heart set on a specific person who does not acknowledge your existence “indirect rejection” can be just as painful.

One of the best ways to deal with rejection is to focus on the (type) of person you want to attract rather than a (specific) individual. This perspective keeps you from feeling overly defeated when (one) person lacks interest in you. We live on a planet with over 7 billion people on it.

Odds are in your favor there are millions if not billions of men that have the traits you value most and they are searching for a woman like you!

Written by

Kevin Darné is the author of My Cat Won't Bark! (A Relationship Epiphany). The book is about learning how to approach relationships with complete awareness, having realistic expectations, and using self-empowerment techniques. Kevin is also a Chicago Dating Advice Examiner for where he publishes articles offering advice in the tricky world of dating. In addition he is also a Continuing Education Instructor for School District 211 located in the NW Suburbs of Chicago where he teaches classes on "How to Find and Choose Your Ideal Mate" and "Avoid the Catfish! How to Date Online Successfully! Kevin is a frequent guest of radio and TV talk shows. You may follow Kevin on Twitter. @kdarnelovealert

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