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Secret Lover’s Calendar: A Solution for the Romantically Challenged

Date night…

Unrealistic Romantic Myth

One of the little truths that married couples and couples who live together seldom share with their single friends is; couples that live apart have more sex and romance than those who live together!

When one person is a guest and the other is a host, it’s like having vacation sex. There are no mundane discussions; you want to make the most of your time together. Every weekend is a romantic weekend. The person hosting does everything in their power to make sure their guest leaves with wonderful memories. This may entail a romantic outing, candlelight dinner at home, a sensual massage, sharing a bath, or making love in front of the fireplace. Planning and effort is a mainstay whenever the couple comes together. This however changes for most relationships once they share the same roof.

Cynics VS Romantics

Cynics or “practical” people will tell you having less romance and passionate sex in a long-term relationship is normal. Life gets in the way and other things have a higher priority. However, I have never heard of a couple waking up one day and saying, “Let’s have less sex, stop flirting with each other, stop taking showers together, stop leaving naughty voice mails, stop writing love notes to each other, and drop oral sex.” Neither do they say, “No more long wet kisses, massages, lighting candles, playing music, setting a romantic mood, or having sex outside of the bedroom.”

Romantics or “unrealistic” people believe their relationship will only get more passionate, loving, and romantic as time goes on. In fact, they believe that love grows deeper as the years go by. The better you know someone, the more trust there is between you. You become more comfortable with trying new and exciting things with your mate. A romantic is usually sentimental. They recall first kisses, first dates, who wore what, conversations, promises made, and they genuinely believe their lives will be just as they discussed countless times.

In an ideal world, if two romantics found each other, their relationship would be heavenly. Two cynics would also live in perfect harmony getting exactly what they expected. The main reason the right pairings seldom get together is because cynics behave like romantics in the beginning of a new relationship. This leads to heartache and disappointment for a romantic when the cynic reverts back to his or her natural self.

By the time a cynic reveals his or her true nature, the romantic is emotionally invested in the relationship. He or she tries to keep the fire burning until one day they realize the romantic energy they are expending is not being reciprocated, or worse, the other person repeatedly shoots down their romantic suggestions. After having the wind taken out of their sails and getting rejected repeatedly, the romantic strives to adapt to the cynic’s world by “going along to get along.” Eventually the relationship settles into what the cynic calls normal. Cynics usually get their way. It takes less energy for a romantic to stop making romantic gestures than for a cynic to put forth the effort to keep passion alive. However sometimes when you win you loose. The romantic may end up having an affair or ultimately decides to walk away from the relationship/marriage.

A Secret Lover’s Calendar

Knowing what to do does not automatically translate into doing it. A person may hate going to the gym, but after the workout they’re glad they went. This is often true of the cynic who desires to be more romantic. Sometimes the cynic loses track of time and does not realize how long it has been since he or she has done something special to show appreciation for his or her significant other. Creating a habit that does not come naturally requires some help.

If you are the cynic in the relationship, one of the best things you can do is to create a “secret lover’s calendar” for yourself. You will want to keep it at work or some other place your mate is not likely to find it.

Take a calendar and circle all the special event dates that apply to your relationship, such as his or her birthday, your various anniversaries (e.g., the day you met, your first date, and your day of engagement), noteworthy Hallmark days like Valentine’s Day, Christmas, and New Year’s Eve, and long weekends such as Memorial Day, Labor Day, and Thanksgiving. These are all ideal dates for doing something special for your significant other.

During the uneventful months, you also want to target at least one day to surprise him or her. Your goal is to have something to look forward to each month. This may range from you cooking a special meal, performing a chore normally done by your significant other, going to a movie, taking an evening walk in a park or along a beach, having a picnic, or taking a weekend getaway or vacation. It may also include leaving a love note on the bathroom mirror or a loving voice mail at work, bringing home flowers, sending an e-mail greeting card, giving a sensual massage, or planning a surprise seduction.

It’s not necessary to have all of your events listed ahead of time. You may want to place a star or mark on one day each month to do something. Once the activity or event is over make a notation of what you did. Although you will be doing something each month you want to avoid doing the same things too soon or annually on the same day. The goal is to be unpredictable and have fun.

Utilizing this calendar ensures you are doing something to keep the romance alive in your relationship, and if you’re fortunate enough to be involved with a romantic, then you will spend the rest of your lives passionately one-upping each other.

“It’s not unrealistic to expect to have a romantic and passionate relationship. It just requires making it a priority in your life.”

Written by

Kevin Darné is the author of My Cat Won't Bark! (A Relationship Epiphany). The book is about learning how to approach relationships with complete awareness, having realistic expectations, and using self-empowerment techniques. Kevin is also a Chicago Dating Advice Examiner for where he publishes articles offering advice in the tricky world of dating. In addition he is also a Continuing Education Instructor for School District 211 located in the NW Suburbs of Chicago where he teaches classes on "How to Find and Choose Your Ideal Mate" and "Avoid the Catfish! How to Date Online Successfully! Kevin is a frequent guest of radio and TV talk shows. You may follow Kevin on Twitter. @kdarnelovealert

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